Week 1 — Virgil’s Café

#1 – Dress accordingly.
It is going to be one of those weird Cincinnati weather days where, during the day, it will be warm in the sun and cool in the shade. No need to bundle up like it’s winter, but I don’t think t-shirt and flip flops are appropriate either. If you’re unsure about how warmly to dress, consider a Beer or Liquor Coat, as either will solve most problems.

Bengals garb, Brett Favre jerseys, and any other non-related sports team or organization paraphernalia need not apply. This may seem obvious, but as always, you can expect to see the sporadic jackwagon who is wearing a Cubs shirt. And to that guy I say, “Hey buddy, your team isn’t here for a reason.”

#2 – Bring brooms with caution.
We should be cautious for two reasons: Firstly, I’m on the fence about this whole idea. The superstitious part of me thinks that this is a total jinx, but I’m not going to fault anyone who is feeling spirited enough to want to actually lug a broom around all night—someone who obviously will not be holding adult beverages all game. Which brings me to second-of-ly: if brooms are brought and drinks are being consumed, someone may lose an eye. Don’t be a statistic.

If you aren’t into the broom thing, @DallasLatos likes to offer this alternative.

#3 – Please refrain from doing the wave.
This point does not require much elaboration. It’s a pretty lame move and we’ve moved beyond being lame in the postseason.

That said…

#4 – …keep the WOOOOing alive.
This sensation is bizarre, yet unbelievably awesome, and somehow So Cincinnati (but not like this horrible commercial). And I have no qualms with keeping this up throughout the playoffs.

Reds blog Red Reporter even got an exclusive interview with the revolutionary who apparently started this craze, which you can listen to here.

#5 – Pace yourselves.
Being that the game is taking place at the unbelievably strange time of 5:37pm, many of us will be taking off work a bit early. That means day drinks. Which also means game drinks. Which will most likely be followed by post-game drinks. That’s a lot of drinks, folks, so plan accordingly. And be responsible. (Unless you look forward to telling your future spawn that he/she was conceived the night the Reds took the NLDS in three games back in 2012—when you walked uphill both ways in the snow to GABP.)

Contrary to 2010, the Reds are in a much different position heading into game three of the NLDS. It seems they’re much more prepared; more experienced. And since they are so well prepared, it is only necessary that we follow suit. And that we provide an unbeatable atmosphere, as well as remain loud as shit for the entire game.

The Magnificent Seven — Atlanta 1996

The Fab Five — London 2012. Photo courtesy of thegossipwire.com

Being an 11-year-old little girl and having freshly retired from the sport of gymnastics before the 1996 Games, I held the Magnificent Seven and all of its events in unreasonably high regard. I was sure to record all of the footage (Olympic Trials and the Summer Games alike) on VHS, and even jumped around the house and shed a tear when Kerri Strug dramatically stuck her landing to secure gold for team USA. Even after all of these years, the 1996 American gold-medal-winning performance remains one of the more transcendent sports moments of my life.

In the sixteen years that followed, the sport of gymnastics has made, er, leaps and bounds in its evolution, especially over the past ten years:

• In 1996, there were seven team members, including two alternates. The Fab Five only features, well, five, and each gymnast can compete on anywhere from one to all four apparatuses.
• Sixteen years ago—and until the Code of Points was overhauled in 2006—scores on each of the events were scored out of a 10.0.
• The original “horse” Kerri Strug so famously used in the 1996 Olympics was utilized until the “vaulting table” was implemented in competition in 2001.
• In 1996, Dominique Moceanu was a mere 14 years old when she competed in Atlanta. An age requirement of 16 years old has since been instituted, thus creating various controversies in international competition and notoriously raising questions about the ages of members of the gold-medal-winning Chinese women’s gymnastics team in Beijing in 2008.
• Additionally, for good measure, the current Olympic team was a combined 4+ years old when the Magnificent Seven won the all-around title (one of whom wasn’t even born until more than two months after the 1996 games).

Despite these major changes, a few things, however, remain the same: Bela and Marta Karolyi are still staples of the US Women’s team, gymnasts still wear scrunchies and hair clips, and fake congratulatory hugs continue to run rampant. Thankfully, the American gymnasts have strayed from glitter hairspray, while their counterparts (see: Russia) have decided to keep the sparkle alive.

To that, I’ll say keep the sparkles, Russia. We’ll take the gold — even if it did take a 16 year tape delay.*

*Sorry, had to.

2 Chainz – Photo courtesy of bet.com

My recent obsession with 2 Chainz is a contradiction to everything I stand for as a pseudo-discerning music listener. Sure, I enjoy Justin Bieber and I count Britney Spears as one of my all-time favorite entertainers (everyone is entitled to guilty pleasures, right?), but there is a special blend of terrible that the artist formerly known as “Tity Boi” brings to the table.

Many believe 2 Chainz is contributing to the death of Hip Hop, and I can’t say that I disagree. Despite having collaborated with some of the more respected artists in the mainstream game (see: Kanye West, Drake, and Lil Wayne to name a few), his bars remain elementary and often evoke actual laughing out loud. His sudden rise to rap popularity is as embarrassing and bewildering to his industry as The Arnold governing the largest state in our country was to politics.

But that doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy it.

If you were told you only had a certain amount of time left to live, how would you spend it? By being despondent and wallowing in your spiral downward? Or by enjoying every fleeting moment you could? I’d love to know the point in being sad and miserable during your final days, when you can just as easily spend them bungee jumping, sky diving, and generally partaking in potentially-destructive and counterintuitive activities you otherwise would not.

If Hip Hop is dying a slow and painful death, I’m going to celebrate its final moments by listening to every bad rapper I can.

It is estimated that a tornado warning is given about 15 minutes before it hits. In Crittenden and Piner, Kentucky on March 2, 2012, I was told by a couple of residents that a mere minutes passed before the half-mile-wide EF4 touched down, taking a total of four lives, injuring eight, and leaving indescribable destruction.

I’d never been part of a disaster relief effort, but as a tornado- and weather-obsessed kid who’s grown up enjoying to volunteer, this particular opportunity presented by Cincinnati Habitat for Humanity really called out to me. Prior to this experience, I had only really seen stories regarding relief efforts recounted through various media outlets, so I was not totally sure of what to expect. I was astounded by the vast number of volunteers involved. Major corporations such as FedEx and Toyota had employees give their time and effort, and they represented their respective companies well.

After Habitat received its assignment for the day — that we were headed to the most damage-stricken area — our group boarded a yellow school bus at the Red Cross Disaster Relief center at Piner Baptist Church. The bus, full of eager, unassuming volunteers as well as relief equipment, meandered its way to Old Lexington Pike in Crittenden, Kentucky, as I was mentally preparing myself for what was in store for the day.

The juxtapositioning of sun and blue skies with unimaginable destruction was chilling. Just 30 seconds of ominous sky and wrath can destroy everything, while just one week later the weather was absolute perfection.

Damage done to a barn as well as an uprooted tree

I spoke to a woman who lives just two miles from Old Lexington Pike. Around ten homes once stood on this mile-and-a-half stretch of road. A few were destroyed and families lost everything: entire homes, cherished belongings, beloved pets. On that day, two lives were lost on Old Lexington Pike.

Her home was untouched.

Late-1800s farmhouse that was left with manageable structural damage on Old Lexington Pike

The family who lives in one of the homes still standing was very fortunate to have lost very few belongings. Instead, they lost a garage, rear addition, and were fortunately left with manageable structural damage to its sturdily-built, late-1800s farmhouse.

Just next door, however, a mobile home was completely destroyed, while two brick homes further down the street suffered the same fate.

Totally destroyed mobile home and additional damage as viewed from a field adjacent to the mobile home

I was humbled by this relief effort, and it was a privilege to work with Habitat in an effort that hit so close to home — literally and figuratively.

I did my best to prepare for what might be in store during this relief effort, but I could never truly be prepared for the aftermath.

Phillip Phillips — 21-year-old native of Leesburg, Georgia — is a modest, slow-talking, heart-melting, eye-twinkling cutie pie who has gripped his ogling female audience by the heart (and, er, loins) throughout season 11 of American Idol. It is difficult to decide to whom his folk-rock compares, and his unorthodox mannerisms and facial expressions while performing, paired with his uncompromising demeanor, more than contribute to his appeal. He has always been seemingly unfazed by it all — the bright lights, big stages, and glances of fame. He even denied Tommy Hilfiger’s fashion advice; instead opting for his perpetually-casual getup.

Phillip Phillips’ lack of technical perfection provides a fantastic parallel to his slapdash and scruffy appearance. But these imperfections serve only as a reminder of just how perfect he is.

I am very happy with the song he has chosen to be his first single, titled “Home” and, moreso, I look forward to the remainder of his career.